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| Our 15th anniversary dinner |
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| Red roses and a homemade dinner |
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| November 18, 2021 |
I have filled hundreds of pages of
this blog--and nearly 2,000 entries-- with photos and stories of our life. None of them scratch the surface
at describing how I actually felt for Jackson. While I've never been in more
pain now that he's decided to go on with his life without me, I do not for one
second regret loving him with my entire heart for 16 plus years when you include the time we spent dating and engaged. I loved being Mrs. Petefish. I loved it.
I will miss Jackson's sense of humor. His smile. His laugh. His beautiful brown eyes. I will miss snuggling in next to him at night. I miss his hugs that, no matter what, felt like going home. I will miss hearing about his day. I will miss stories from his childhood. I miss sharing an undying love for MacKenzie. I already miss hearing his voice. I miss checking in with him when he's traveling. I miss hearing his wild stories of strange things he got into. I miss the many wonderful meals he prepared. Honestly, I just miss him. I miss him more than I knew the human heart could miss someone. I miss the man who was my very best friend. He was my 100% favorite person.
The move to Florida was really hard on me. I have a lot of regrets about how I handled things. I also have a lot of regrets for just taking for granted that we'd always be a team no matter what was said or done. I was cavalier in a way that will take me likely the rest of my life to forgive myself for. I all too often used the term, "if you don't like it, leave" without knowing what that really entailed. I was 21 when I met Jackson in August of 2005 and had lived on my own for all of three days. Yes, three days. I never expected to fall in love and have a bit of a whirlwind romance with someone seven years older than me (I've always been a stickler for youth), but I did. We truly had, in my opinion, a wonderful life together. I wish that we had more years together.
Did we encounter bumps? Oh for sure. All marriages do. Of course. Marriage is hard work. It really is. You grow. You change. They grow. They change. You have to try to stay in some kind of balance when those growths and changes are taking place. You also make a lot of little concessions along the way in order to balance living two lives as one. Sometimes all of those little concessions end up feeling like a bigger deal than they may have been. Other times all of those little concessions may end up changing how you act, where you live and if you're resentful of your partner. If I could go back, I would resist resentfulness. It is not productive. I would stop second-guessing myself, my decisions, our decisions and if things were working how they were supposed to. In the end I don't know if there is a right plan or path. There are just things that work and things that do not. I wish that we could have come together against our problems instead of holding our problems against one another.
When you're in a long-term relationship, hurts happen. They do. We're human. We mess up. What you have to remember, though, is that you love this person. They did not mean to hurt you. And you cannot keep a record of wrongs. I actually started really learning this during 2021 as I did some intensive personal therapy work, but I learned it a little too late it seems. I wore some of my scars from our relationship over the years as armor. I didn't want to let my guard down and get hurt again. It turns out that I didn't need to let my guard down to get hurt, I'm hurt, guard up and everything.
I could fill more blog pages with all of my regrets about "letting" our relationship deteriorate. I know that the truth is that it takes two. I fully recognize that my actions were not the only ones that put the relationship in a troublesome spot. I cannot, however, be responsible for anyone's actions but my own so I opt to focus on what I can learn instead of placing the blame elsewhere. Well, I am actively working on not placing the blame elsewhere, if we are being honest. This is the hardest process I've ever had to navigate. I've made mistakes since Jackson left. I acted out of fear and hurt instead of with love and compassion. I've acted out of anger and haste instead of with that same love and compassion I truly feel. Some days I've made myself proud with how I've persevered and other days I owe about one million apologies for and that is a tough pill to swallow. I'm a recovering perfectionist. The idea of messing up the most important part of my life has been excruciating for me.
In the end, though, I am left with a profound sense of gratitude. I'm grateful for the fun times we had, all of the travel adventures we went on and just the memories made. It has been said that, "one of the hardest things you will ever have to do is to grieve the loss of someone who is still alive." I believe this to be true. While I absolutely wish nothing but the very best for Jackson as he makes his way toward a new future I'd never have imagined, the grief I feel at not being a part of that future is overwhelming at times. I know that he will be great out there in the big world by himself. He was truly my favorite part of myself.
The new assignment for me is make sure that I'll be ok out there in the big world by myself. I have to work on being as big of fan of me as I was of him.
Thank you, dear readers, for following along for so many years. Do me a favor and hug your loved ones a little harder this evening. Say an additional prayer of gratitude for your family. And don't take a single day for granted.
