My older brother, Brian, passed away Wednesday morning at home in Jacksonville, Florida. He was only 35 years old, but had been born with spina bifida at a time when that was not a treatable as it is today. He was in a wheelchair or walked with crutches all of his life, but he never let that keep him down. He outlived his project life expectancy by about 20 years and I think that is awesome.
I always admired Brian for his positive attitude. I have also felt a particular appreciation for the use of my legs and the ease of my life because of him. I remember telling him after the first knee surgery I ever had how hard to was to get around with crutches. He said, "tell me about it!" It was not until then that I had a true appreciation for how he never complained or felt sorry for himself even though his life was not nearly as easy as mine.
All four of us siblings lived together for a time and it was a lot of fun. (For clarification, Brian and Aaron share a father with Kylie and & me, but not a mother so we are their "half-sisters.") I remember Brian got to stay up late and watch M-TV and I was so jealous. He also got his own room! He would always let me watch the "Enter Sandman" video by Metallica right before bed so I was good and scared. I thought that was so cool. :) He was in high school when we lived together and got to go to the mall on Friday nights to hang out with his friends. Again, I was so jealous because that was a cool thing to get to do. He even let his little sister follow him around one evening. That is a big deal when you realize I would have been all of 7 or 8 and surely a pain in the butt! He was surrounded by friends- especially girls- who did not even seem to notice that he was not up walking around. I found that so inspiring back then and find even more inspiring now.
He would let us play in his chair and I remember many time going down the hill of our driveway and crashing into the garage door with it. Oh, we had a blast! I remember him assuring us that Dad would be OK after he got attacked by pit bulls on his mail route. I have a lot of happy memories of my time spent with him.
I think the most difficult part of his sudden death for me is the guilt I feel for having not been closer to him in recent years. We caught up on Facebook and he was really excited to see the photos I would post of our nephew Alex. He had been on my mind a lot recently because I just drove through Rocky Mount, North Carolina, a place that he called home for a couple of years. I intended to send him a message to tell him that I thought of him during my trip and then I just never got around to it. Now he's gone and I wish he would have known that he'd be on my mind and in my heart. I will never let that happen again. If you're on my mind and on my heart, you're going to know about it darn-it.
I never do well with people passing, but this has been especially hard on me due to the sudden nature of it all. My office graciously gave me all of the time that I needed off to deal with being a tear-filled mess. There will not be any services held for him at his mother's request. I never realized just how much funerals really are for the people left behind and not those passing away. It all feels so open without a service to really say goodbye so I am using this post as my way of saying "see you later." I will always think back on his life with love and admiration. Always.
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