Thursday, December 16, 2021

Farewell to the Petefish Post

It is with profound sadness that I write this final entry in the blog that followed Jackson and I through 13 of our 15 years of marriage. I'm so glad that I did because it was sure a fun journey.
Our 15th anniversary dinner
Red roses and a homemade dinner
November 18, 2021

A few days after celebrating our 15th wedding anniversary on November 18, 2021, Jackson decided that he could no longer be in our marriage. There were obviously reasons for this that I will keep between us, but almost one month into our separation and divorce proceedings I cannot quite catch my breath when I think about doing life without Jackson by my side. 

I have filled hundreds of pages of this blog--and nearly 2,000 entries-- with photos and stories of our life. None of them scratch the surface at describing how I actually felt for Jackson. While I've never been in more pain now that he's decided to go on with his life without me, I do not for one second regret loving him with my entire heart for 16 plus years when you include the time we spent dating and engaged. I loved being Mrs. Petefish. I loved it. 

I will miss Jackson's sense of humor. His smile. His laugh. His beautiful brown eyes. I will miss snuggling in next to him at night. I miss his hugs that, no matter what, felt like going home. I will miss hearing about his day. I will miss stories from his childhood. I miss sharing an undying love for MacKenzie. I already miss hearing his voice. I miss checking in with him when he's traveling. I miss hearing his wild stories of strange things he got into. I miss the many wonderful meals he prepared. Honestly, I just miss him. I miss him more than I knew the human heart could miss someone. I miss the man who was my very best friend. He was my 100% favorite person. 

The move to Florida was really hard on me. I have a lot of regrets about how I handled things. I also have a lot of regrets for just taking for granted that we'd always be a team no matter what was said or done. I was cavalier in a way that will take me likely the rest of my life to forgive myself for. I all too often used the term, "if you don't like it, leave" without knowing what that really entailed. I was 21 when I met Jackson in August of 2005 and had lived on my own for all of three days. Yes, three days. I never expected to fall in love and have a bit of a whirlwind romance with someone seven years older than me (I've always been a stickler for youth), but I did. We truly had, in my opinion, a wonderful life together. I wish that we had more years together. 

Did we encounter bumps? Oh for sure. All marriages do. Of course. Marriage is hard work. It really is. You grow. You change. They grow. They change. You have to try to stay in some kind of balance when those growths and changes are taking place. You also make a lot of little concessions along the way in order to balance living two lives as one. Sometimes all of those little concessions end up feeling like a bigger deal than they may have been. Other times all of those little concessions may end up changing how you act, where you live and if you're resentful of your partner. If I could go back, I would resist resentfulness. It is not productive. I would stop second-guessing myself, my decisions, our decisions and if things were working how they were supposed to. In the end I don't know if there is a right plan or path. There are just things that work and things that do not. I wish that we could have come together against our problems instead of holding our problems against one another. 

When you're in a long-term relationship, hurts happen. They do. We're human. We mess up. What you have to remember, though, is that you love this person. They did not mean to hurt you. And you cannot keep a record of wrongs. I actually started really learning this during 2021 as I did some intensive personal therapy work, but I learned it a little too late it seems. I wore some of my scars from our relationship over the years as armor. I didn't want to let my guard down and get hurt again. It turns out that I didn't need to let my guard down to get hurt, I'm hurt, guard up and everything. 

I could fill more blog pages with all of my regrets about "letting" our relationship deteriorate. I know that the truth is that it takes two. I fully recognize that my actions were not the only ones that put the relationship in a troublesome spot. I cannot, however, be responsible for anyone's actions but my own so I opt to focus on what I can learn instead of placing the blame elsewhere. Well, I am actively working on not placing the blame elsewhere, if we are being honest. This is the hardest process I've ever had to navigate. I've made mistakes since Jackson left. I acted out of fear and hurt instead of with love and compassion. I've acted out of anger and haste instead of with that same love and compassion I truly feel. Some days I've made myself proud with how I've persevered and other days I owe about one million apologies for and that is a tough pill to swallow. I'm a recovering perfectionist. The idea of messing up the most important part of my life has been excruciating for me. 

In the end, though, I am left with a profound sense of gratitude. I'm grateful for the fun times we had, all of the travel adventures we went on and just the memories made. It has been said that, "one of the hardest things you will ever have to do is to grieve the loss of someone who is still alive." I believe this to be true. While I absolutely wish nothing but the very best for Jackson as he makes his way toward a new future I'd never have imagined, the grief I feel at not being a part of that future is overwhelming at times. I know that he will be great out there in the big world by himself. He was truly my favorite part of myself. 

The new assignment for me is make sure that I'll be ok out there in the big world by myself. I have to work on being as big of fan of me as I was of him. 

Thank you, dear readers, for following along for so many years. Do me a favor and hug your loved ones a little harder this evening. Say an additional prayer of gratitude for your family. And don't take a single day for granted. 

Sunday, August 22, 2021

We live in THE CITY now!

We drove our rental car into the city, unloaded while double-parked like real New Yorkers and then Jackson drove it a couple of blocks over to the return center. It worked out so well to pick up the car at the airport, drive it to Maine and then return it a few blocks from our Airbnb. Driving in NYC was not as bad as I expected it would be. We got a little turned around on exits, but made it with really no issue.
Our new building!
(We faced the back)

When Jackson took the first load up to our new home he was shocked to find there was no elevator. Whoops! That was not in the listing. So we got off to a little bit of a rocky start, but ended up just accepting that life in the city is different and rolled with it.

We got unloaded and settled pretty quickly and then walked MacKenzie over to Central Park. It had been a dream of mine each time we visited the city for MacK to be able to walk in Central Park and she got to...finally! YAY! Our place was close to the park which made it more expensive, of course, but very worth it to be able to pop over whenever we wanted.
We made it!!

"Seems nice."

VIEWS! 
One of the things that I was the most excited for was endless options of Chinese restaurants. Naples just does not have a strong Chinese cuisine scene. We found a place not too far from our studio and headed there for dinner. The pandemic obviously hit NYC very hard, but people are resilient. They have new outdoor seating areas that feel very European and make dining much more enjoyable than it used to be!

Jackson got the spicy dumpling starter
and almost died of heat! HA! 

Praise the Lord for amazing food!
It was an adjustment being seated IN THE ROAD as the outdoor dining locations are now, but we made it. The place was a little pricey but we anticipated that and just had to adjust our expectations.

We decided that since NY is known for bagels we'd give as many authentic bagel joints a shot as possible. I was back to work on Tuesday morning, but we woke up early and walked to a well-reviewed nearby joint for breakfast. It was so fun to eat out in the middle of everything and people watch before heading back to get logged in for the day.

Our first traditional bagel breakfast
sandwich of the trip--delicious! 

City dog, coming through! 

LEVAIN!!!







We have rooftop access! Who knew?!

Jazzed for our new hangout spot!


Taylor Swift has a song about "Cornelia Street"
 on one of her albums

The home Taylor sings about

I was pretty jazzed

Laughing at Jackson laughing at me





















 

Tuesday, August 17, 2021

A month in NYC!

Well, I'm only about two years behind on blogging so there's that. I've missed it. I love journaling my life for both the memories and to practice composing more than just a quick email or text message.

My plan is to work on updating our month living in New York City and then slowly work through to backlog that spans to September, 2019. LIFE BEFORE COVID. Can you imagine?! We were all so young and innocent back then.

Anyway, I've wanted to live in New York City since the day I was born. I think I came out of the womb signing Sinatra's New York, New York. (I checked and the song was released in 1977 so this is feasible given that I didn't debut until 1984. I've not conferred with my mom to see if she recalls hearing this upon giving birth to me, but it was a long time ago so she may have forgotten by now.)

Given that I work remotely and have exclusively since 2016, the pandemic did not change much for me as far as that goes. It did, however, mean that Jackson transitioned from traveling to present to folks to doing it via the web. This means he can also work from anywhere right now. Since vaccines have rolled out we were not sure how much longer all of this freedom to work anywhere was going to last. Basically, the stars had aligned and we spent a large sum of money to rent a furnished studio apartment in Manhattan for a month! We were there from August 16, 2021 until September 15, 2021. It was an AMAZING experience that I cannot wait to relive via writing these blog entries. 

For now, though, here is a tour of our small place. 


We spent roughly $4,500 to rent this place for the month on Airbnb. That felt like a ton of money to a girl from small town Indiana, but the New Yorkers we met found it to be a fair price. Who knows?! We just needed a place that allowed dogs and had laundry which sounds simple and is not. It was a 4th floor walk-up which was undisclosed until we arrived. Whoops! We got a lot of exercise carrying MacKenzie up and down those stairs. MacKenzie is 14 now and will do some stairs, but just cannot take them all like she used to. She was a trooper and certainly adjusted just fine to life in the city, though.

As I said, it was an incredible trip and I'm excited to write all about it. Stay tuned!