Dreams

I do not dream all that often, but when I do they are always so real and almost always emotionally draining. Sometime Jackson is making me mad in my dream and I wake up mad at him for nothing! (He hates that.)

Last night I had my first dream with Grams in it since she passed. I was so happy to see her. We were at her house in Florida and she kept asking what I was doing there. I kept saying, "I'm here to visit you like I always do." She was just so surprised to see me and I couldn't understand that. Then I said something about an amount being "chump change" (I have no idea where that fits in, but dreams are weird) and she said "Grandpa always said that. I miss him so much!" I told her I was sorry that she missed him and that things would be OK. Then I woke up and had to remind myself that it was only a dream and she was really still gone. I was so sad.

I did some reading on dreams and saw that sometimes that is where we "deal" with things that we won't confront while we're awake. I also read that it just means you miss the person and they're on your mind whether you realized it or not. I'm pretty sure it is both in my case.

I greatly appreciated my bereavement leave right after Grams' death so that we could help get things in order, but I think I need it more now. Now that life is back to "normal" is when I need the break. I need to be able to sit and cry without worrying about who sees me or what I'm supposed to be doing at that moment. I think reality setting in has been the hardest part for me.