Reflection

I've been doing a lot of self loathing  reflecting recently. I think since our summer forcibly slowed due to Jackson's lack of vacation time and the busy time at my office (that has nothing to do with my job function but in an act of "unity" I elected to stick around the office for most of July and August) I've just had more time to think. I've come up with a few things to annoy or bother me about myself. I know that seems unlike me since I'm always generally right and like to be in charge but c'est la vie.

I'm conflicted. The true American in me is a consumer. My car is a 2006 and has almost 72,000 miles on it and it is costing us more and more to keep it running well. A huge part of me just wants a new car. The other part says that my car is running well again, looks great, has a top that does down and should make it through the next couple of years before we head off for our trip around the world and European living adventure. I also start thinking about how you spend money where your heart is. Is my heart in my car? No. Not at all. So I'll keep my car and stop lusting after the new Mercedes E class convertible (because we could afford one of those if I so desired...oh, sorry, I was dreaming). The mere fact that these thoughts cloud my mind make me feel kind of sick and shallow. I felt a public confession would be a worthy repentance.

I hate the way I look. I realize that gaining weight is my fault. That I cannot blame anyone but myself for the lack of control on what I put in my mouth. I can work out all I want but until I can figure out the mind game of not eating bad food I'll never win this battle. I saw some photos from Shaya's wedding- the one I'd been losing weight for since January- and I looked horrific. I spent the better part of a day in bed after seeing them because I just couldn't deal. Then I started thinking about how lame of an issue this is to waste a whole day in bed feeling bad for myself about. It became crystal clear to me how lucky I was as I listened to the Jodi Picoult book "Handle with Care" about a little girl with brittle bone syndrome. She has (in the book) a real health issue that impedes her life. I just need to stop eating like an idiot and work out a little harder. It was a real light bulb moment for me. I've got to stop feeling bad for myself and just do something. Because there are more important things in life than how I look in wedding photos. Someone somewhere is starving. Someone somewhere doesn't know where their next meal will come from and I'm worried about how to avoid my next meal. Something there just doesn't add up. Do you see where the self loathing came in now? My inner thoughts are terrible.

My final revelation isn't quite a shameful. Well, it is not shameful at all just really, really sad. When my Grams passed away and we cleaned out her house we got a ton of Ziploc bags, plastic wrap and individual foil sheets. She was not as cheap as we are about those kinds of kitchen supplies so we brought home a whole box to use in our place. I realized last night that the foil squares were about to run out and I cried. Yep, I cried over foil squares. Holy cow, I'm crying bawling as I type this. They're foil squares, Jenna, buy more. I know. I know. We will because we have loved the convenience of having them, but the new ones won't be the same. Grams won't be the one who purchased them. In its own silly way using all of the foil squares is like losing another piece of Grams and I hate it. Losing my Grams has been the worst thing ever. I just want her back so she can slap my hand the next time I visit her and try to steal her foil squares from her pantry. I want to be at her house with her calling her "big spender" because she busy name brand plastic baggies. I just want to be with her again period. I miss her so much.

There you have it. Aren't you all jealous of Jackson now? He gets to spend time the greedy, selfish, fat, grief-filled mess that is me these days.