By: Fr. James Martin, SJ (one of my favorite priests)
His words in bold, my comments underneath
I think this is so important. I'm fortunate in that this season of my life has not included a lot of visiting the ill as other seasons have, but I'm in the midst of a baby boom. It has become to clear to me that taking a meal, a new toy for the older child or just some adult conversation to new parents is really important. It cultivates our friendship, lets them know that we care and we get in our baby snuggle time without changing diapers. Win!!
1.) Be Kind. That means...
2.) Always give everyone the benefit of the doubt. After all, why not? Everyone is carrying around some sort of burden. Usually one that you don't even know about. So give them a break. Even if they're being unreasonable...
Woof. That's a toughie.
3.) Especially when you're talking about them with someone else. Honor the absent, as the saying goes. Spiritually speaking, it's essential. It's part of charity. Practically speaking, it makes sense too. Why? First, because you'll feel crummy about yourself afterwards. Second, because the person you're complaining to will probably see you as negative. Finally, it will inevitably get back to them. More to the point, it's mean.
This is so wise. I think sometimes things happen and we feel the need to immediately discuss it. What if we didn't? What if something happened and we just let it roll off our backs and moved on? Would we feel less vindicated because we didn't talk about them? Perhaps. But folks who constantly have bad things to say about people do come across as negative- even if they're not meaning to. Let us not be those negative Nellies (and Neds) who find fault in all things. Perhaps order those rose colored glasses and get a half-full glass.
4.) Don't be a jerk. There is simply no need to be. At all. Zero. Just because you're having a rotten day doesn't mean you have to pass it along your misery to someone else. It's important to share your struggles with friends. Essential. But being in a bad mood is no excuse to be a jerk. If you feel you’re moving into that territory, ask yourself a simple question, "Am I being a jerk?" If you're somehow unable to discern that, the look on other people's faces will tell you.
True story. Passing on misery helps no one. I hate walking away from an interaction with regrets.
5.) Give a call, pay a visit, or send a note who you know is sick, lonely, struggling. It will cost you nothing, but will mean everything to them. Think of how you feel when someone reaches out.
2.) Always give everyone the benefit of the doubt. After all, why not? Everyone is carrying around some sort of burden. Usually one that you don't even know about. So give them a break. Even if they're being unreasonable...
Woof. That's a toughie.
3.) Especially when you're talking about them with someone else. Honor the absent, as the saying goes. Spiritually speaking, it's essential. It's part of charity. Practically speaking, it makes sense too. Why? First, because you'll feel crummy about yourself afterwards. Second, because the person you're complaining to will probably see you as negative. Finally, it will inevitably get back to them. More to the point, it's mean.
This is so wise. I think sometimes things happen and we feel the need to immediately discuss it. What if we didn't? What if something happened and we just let it roll off our backs and moved on? Would we feel less vindicated because we didn't talk about them? Perhaps. But folks who constantly have bad things to say about people do come across as negative- even if they're not meaning to. Let us not be those negative Nellies (and Neds) who find fault in all things. Perhaps order those rose colored glasses and get a half-full glass.
4.) Don't be a jerk. There is simply no need to be. At all. Zero. Just because you're having a rotten day doesn't mean you have to pass it along your misery to someone else. It's important to share your struggles with friends. Essential. But being in a bad mood is no excuse to be a jerk. If you feel you’re moving into that territory, ask yourself a simple question, "Am I being a jerk?" If you're somehow unable to discern that, the look on other people's faces will tell you.
True story. Passing on misery helps no one. I hate walking away from an interaction with regrets.
5.) Give a call, pay a visit, or send a note who you know is sick, lonely, struggling. It will cost you nothing, but will mean everything to them. Think of how you feel when someone reaches out.
I think this is so important. I'm fortunate in that this season of my life has not included a lot of visiting the ill as other seasons have, but I'm in the midst of a baby boom. It has become to clear to me that taking a meal, a new toy for the older child or just some adult conversation to new parents is really important. It cultivates our friendship, lets them know that we care and we get in our baby snuggle time without changing diapers. Win!!
In all seriousness, though, how great does it feel to get a little note letting you know that someone is thinking of you? Yesterday was friend's day (no worries- I'd never heard of it either) and my sweet friend Jenny (who happens to be on of the baby boomers with a two year old and newborn at home) dropped me a nice text message wishing me a happy day and sharing fun stories and witty banter for a few. It really brightened my otherwise kind of chaotic day before vacation!
6.) Release yourself from that grudge. In other words, forgive. It's ridiculous to hold onto things for so long. It eats away at you like a cancer, and it poisons the other person's life. It also, most likely, serves to turn them against you even more. You think you are justified in being mad? You probably are. People can be jerks. But there are probably people justified in holding a grudge against you, too. So just let it go.
I take a bit of issue with this one. I think holding a grudge versus figuring out your life is better without someone in it can get to a little bit of a gray area. I don't think you need to go around spewing bad things about someone but I think you can forgive without necessarily letting back in a person who doesn't treat you well.
As I am thinking through this more I realize that I do have a friend who has held onto a very small fight for years and has never let us get over this to continue an awesome friendship. That made me want to be mad at her back but I've fought that. I continue to only hope the best for her and look back on our time together with great fondness. When Facebook lets a photo of her slip into my feed I look at it with both sadness and love. For the record, if she ever wanted to chat I'd be on the next plane to NIH headquarters to pick her up for lunch without mentioning a single thing about the couple of years that have passed since we've spoken. Maybe that's more what he's getting at...? Regardless, I think you have to guard yourself against users. You can forgive them but you don't have to let them continue to hurt you.
7.) Stop being so sarcastic. A little of that goes too far. You may think you're being Oscar Wilde, but you're often just being mean. Sarcasm can be an effective antidote to pomposity, but sometimes it's just cruel.
I'm not sure who Oscar Wilde is (update: I googled him: he's an old author), but I think I get the point that we don't always need to be cute and sometimes we should just be quiet.
8.) Listen patiently to someone who is long-winded, or boring, or, especially. complaining. They're usually insecure, lonely or in pain. Your listening is a gift to them. It may mean that you're the only person they have to talk to. Yes, it's hard. But God sees what you're doing. And, after all, people have to listen to you.
Agh!! This one is so hard. Sometimes I just want people (Jackson) to get to the point already. I don't need all of the details- just get to the moral of the story! And when he complains about anything- especially during tax season- it falls on deaf ears because he doesn't have it nearly as bad as I do in my own mind. That isn't fair. Just because he isn't as busy doesn't mean he doesn't experience frustrations and I need to be more sympathetic to that in him and coworkers. I tend to tune people out if I think their complaints are without merit. Perhaps listening to them patiently and with love would help them to feel heard and move through the issue with more ease.
9.) Help someone who is really needy. A homeless person. A poor person. A refugee. A sick person. A grieving person. It's not hard to figure out how to do it. And if you don't know anyone like that, write a check. That's not so hard either. Helping doesn't require an advanced degree.
Out of the options I am totally a write a check person. I tend to want to leave things to professionals be there services for my car, hair, nails or ministry. Sometimes writing a check is the easy way out, though. Don't get me wrong every ministry needs monetary supporters and that is a very important way to help but it doesn't relieve us of the duty to still help out in other ways, too. I try to be really great about not only offering homeless folks some money without judgement on how it will be spent, but also a warm smile and a meeting of the eyes. They're still humans even if they're poor. Sometimes they don't get treated with the respect we all deserve as humans and that stinks.
10.) Be kind. Did I mention that? It bears repeating, because if you are kind, then you'll make a lot of people happy in the New Year. Yourself too. And God.
Sometimes it is easy to caught on how our actions impact us and others around us without thinking of how they make the Kingdom look. Are we drawing people to the Lord with our actions or are we pushing them away? I had an issue at work the other day where a coworker was so rude to an outside party on a conference call that I sent an emailed apology on behalf of this person. I was ashamed at how she made our university look and I wanted this outside party to know that wasn't the accepted way. The outside party was so shocked to get the apology (she experiences a lot of rudeness, unfortunately) that she thanked me for taking time from my day to let her know that I noticed her grace in an ugly situation and how much that meant to her. It took me no time at all the send that note but it put her faith in our team right back where it had been before the poor interaction. We can do the same thing for other people. Folks have been unkind to me and we can be kind. We can start being the positive light we are called to be.
Happy 2016- belated but with much thought and reflection.
6.) Release yourself from that grudge. In other words, forgive. It's ridiculous to hold onto things for so long. It eats away at you like a cancer, and it poisons the other person's life. It also, most likely, serves to turn them against you even more. You think you are justified in being mad? You probably are. People can be jerks. But there are probably people justified in holding a grudge against you, too. So just let it go.
I take a bit of issue with this one. I think holding a grudge versus figuring out your life is better without someone in it can get to a little bit of a gray area. I don't think you need to go around spewing bad things about someone but I think you can forgive without necessarily letting back in a person who doesn't treat you well.
As I am thinking through this more I realize that I do have a friend who has held onto a very small fight for years and has never let us get over this to continue an awesome friendship. That made me want to be mad at her back but I've fought that. I continue to only hope the best for her and look back on our time together with great fondness. When Facebook lets a photo of her slip into my feed I look at it with both sadness and love. For the record, if she ever wanted to chat I'd be on the next plane to NIH headquarters to pick her up for lunch without mentioning a single thing about the couple of years that have passed since we've spoken. Maybe that's more what he's getting at...? Regardless, I think you have to guard yourself against users. You can forgive them but you don't have to let them continue to hurt you.
7.) Stop being so sarcastic. A little of that goes too far. You may think you're being Oscar Wilde, but you're often just being mean. Sarcasm can be an effective antidote to pomposity, but sometimes it's just cruel.
I'm not sure who Oscar Wilde is (update: I googled him: he's an old author), but I think I get the point that we don't always need to be cute and sometimes we should just be quiet.
8.) Listen patiently to someone who is long-winded, or boring, or, especially. complaining. They're usually insecure, lonely or in pain. Your listening is a gift to them. It may mean that you're the only person they have to talk to. Yes, it's hard. But God sees what you're doing. And, after all, people have to listen to you.
Agh!! This one is so hard. Sometimes I just want people (Jackson) to get to the point already. I don't need all of the details- just get to the moral of the story! And when he complains about anything- especially during tax season- it falls on deaf ears because he doesn't have it nearly as bad as I do in my own mind. That isn't fair. Just because he isn't as busy doesn't mean he doesn't experience frustrations and I need to be more sympathetic to that in him and coworkers. I tend to tune people out if I think their complaints are without merit. Perhaps listening to them patiently and with love would help them to feel heard and move through the issue with more ease.
9.) Help someone who is really needy. A homeless person. A poor person. A refugee. A sick person. A grieving person. It's not hard to figure out how to do it. And if you don't know anyone like that, write a check. That's not so hard either. Helping doesn't require an advanced degree.
Out of the options I am totally a write a check person. I tend to want to leave things to professionals be there services for my car, hair, nails or ministry. Sometimes writing a check is the easy way out, though. Don't get me wrong every ministry needs monetary supporters and that is a very important way to help but it doesn't relieve us of the duty to still help out in other ways, too. I try to be really great about not only offering homeless folks some money without judgement on how it will be spent, but also a warm smile and a meeting of the eyes. They're still humans even if they're poor. Sometimes they don't get treated with the respect we all deserve as humans and that stinks.
10.) Be kind. Did I mention that? It bears repeating, because if you are kind, then you'll make a lot of people happy in the New Year. Yourself too. And God.
Sometimes it is easy to caught on how our actions impact us and others around us without thinking of how they make the Kingdom look. Are we drawing people to the Lord with our actions or are we pushing them away? I had an issue at work the other day where a coworker was so rude to an outside party on a conference call that I sent an emailed apology on behalf of this person. I was ashamed at how she made our university look and I wanted this outside party to know that wasn't the accepted way. The outside party was so shocked to get the apology (she experiences a lot of rudeness, unfortunately) that she thanked me for taking time from my day to let her know that I noticed her grace in an ugly situation and how much that meant to her. It took me no time at all the send that note but it put her faith in our team right back where it had been before the poor interaction. We can do the same thing for other people. Folks have been unkind to me and we can be kind. We can start being the positive light we are called to be.
Happy 2016- belated but with much thought and reflection.
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